"My mum has never felt connected with her own mum. Neither was my dad. I feel as if I am an orphan... as if I have no family!"
Words like these are often heard in my clinical work. They are always followed by feelings of sadness, to say the least. Being connected, despite the fact that it is the holy grail of our own existence, seems to belong to an unknown territory. How is it that the stars are all connected in this Universe of ours, that all molecules of our human body are interconnected and we, human beings, can not feel connected?
Is there any difference between being connected and feeling connected?
If it is true that we are all connected, then why can't we feel the connection? What is it that prevents us from seeing the connection among all living entities in cosmos? And how could we develop a state of feeling that will best resonate to our state of being? When was it that this breakage between being and feeling took place? And how can it be healed?
And if it is a lie that we are all connected, then, why do we all try so hard to feel connected and why do we experience loneliness, boredom and pain when we can not?
What is it that we call connection?
Connection is a link that brings together at least two entities. It is a common point where at least two meet and exchange.
And the question now is: what is the link between humanity and cosmos, between parents and children?
What is the common point?
In Prenatal Psychology, we very well know the importance of prenatal bonding and how it affects our living experience and the relationships we create between ourselves and others or cosmos as a whole.
We are also acquainted with what can be done to allow healthy bonding between the maternal environment in its wider context and the unborn.
Let's see how this understanding can cast light on our question.
Bonding starts before conception in the minds and hearts of parents. Sometimes, years the actual conception of our child, traced in our adolescent dreams, our children games, our decisions based on our experience when in gestation. It is traced down from generation to generation, depending on the bits of information embedded in the system.
:My mum was not connected with her mum and dad. Her mum was always away at work. Her dad lived in another, far-off place. My dad has never been connected with his parents. They were in their own world…”, says one of my clients, who also finds it difficult to genuinely connect with her parents.
Is connection a matter of time/ space? Does it become stronger when the parts are close in terms of space? Or when they spend time together? How much truth is there in the folklore belief that “eyes not seen are eyes forgotten”? And if it is true, then how is it that some people feel connected to people and facts lost in the past, dead or gone?
Going back to the client, what will happen if she sees the link connecting all three of them? The link called “not connected”? What will happen, then?
“How can I help my child connect?”
Wrong question, I’m afraid. As the question asked is “How can I connect?”
And if you can experience, even for a little while, this state, then, you know the answer to the question “How can I connect with you, my child, my life-partner, my friend, … you name it?”
-My mum spent all her time dancing. Dancing was what kept her interested in life, since parents were not there. Dad did the same with music.
I wonder “what happens when a human being gets connected with Art? What is it that brings the two of them –human beings and artistic expression -ie dance, music- together in a life-long relationship?
First, she learnt about it and turning her attention to the direction of dance, she dedicated energy to it.
She practiced it.
She allowed space/ time to it.
She got to know more and more about it.
The more she discovered, the more she appreciated it and this refueled the process.
She could spot the beauties in it.
The more beauties she discovered, the happier she became. She had a good time. She even, sometimes, experienced bliss in it.
This refueled the process.
The more she discovered about it, her attitude changed. She could discover dance in the slight breeze of the tree leaves, the blossoming of the daisies in spring, the fleeing of clouds in the sky, the mouth opening in a kiss, the balanced walking of a child, mountain climbing, snow drifting, season change, water running, starts’ motion …
She became dance!
She even danced her mum bodily moving apart for work, her dad living in a busy city. Through dance, she connected with them. She felt them. She shared their mind and spirit movies their bodies apart or together. She shared their emotions when here or there, when lost in their worries, when joyous in their self-discovery.
She danced them. And through dance, she connected with them as she had connected with the trees and the blossoms, the stars and the clouds, the animals in the meadows, the climbers and the swimmers, the Elements of Nature, Nature itself.
And, then, she danced even more…And the miracle happened: She danced her being. And she danced ad danced and danced…
Finally, one day, she woke up in her dance and she was connected to herself.
And, then, SHE KNEW!